my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
