I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
