I swear she didn't look like that last week.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
