Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
