Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
