two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
