Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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