he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
