i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
