I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
