I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
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