i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
