I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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