Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea