I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
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the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
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Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.