i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
