Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
