I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
