You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
