when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
