so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
