I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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