I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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