I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
