We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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