I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
