Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
