I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
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I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
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Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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