I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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