I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
