Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
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