So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
