How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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