That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
