I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Watching her eat just hurts me
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
