He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
