Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
