Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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