There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
