Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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