eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
