I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
