My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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