Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
