i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
