Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
