it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
