doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
