OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
