I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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