i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'm at about main and main street
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
