i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
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I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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