I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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