You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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