and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
