guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
